I'm Not Russian, Or a Dwarf, Or a Hamster!
by Star-Crossed Rose
Summary: In which Nico has an unfortunate encounter with Circe and ends up in an English class... as the class pet.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi! My English class has a class pet- a Russian dwarf hamster named Nikolai, more commonly known as Nico. I don't know the actual spelling for the nickname, but I need it to be like this for my headcannon, which is what this whole story is about.**

**There will be House of Hades spoilers. Only a vague one in this chapter, but I'm sure there'll be more.**

**Disclaimer: I'm not Rick Riordan, and I don't own any of his works. I don't own anything I make a reference to, either.**

He had known it was madness from the start. Just because he was on good terms with his cousins didn't mean his uncles favored him. After all, Hades was no better to Thalia or Percy. So he really should have foreseen the danger of launching himself into Poseidon's territory.

Not only had he had trouble in the open seas, Poseidon had seen fit to send his tiny craft between the Clashing Rocks and into the Sea of Monsters. After fending off sea monsters without sleeping for two straight days, he paddled desperately toward the first island he saw.

Yes, it was most likely a trap; no, he didn't really care. With luck, everyone Percy had killed was still dead. It was a weak, baseless hope, but that didn't matter. He would die eventually anyway.

He wasn't completely crazy; Nico did have one last line of defense beyond his sword. Annabeth had quietly salvaged a multivitamin from Circe's island and the chewed, salt-tarnished _thing_ she had given him might help him a little.

Okay, Nico _was_ completely crazy.

He landed on the island. It was tropical; that should have identified it as Circe's, but there were no boats or helicopters. Nico reviewed what Percy had told him: they had unleashed the pirates on Circe and stolen a ship to get away. Reyna had confirmed that the pirates had killed Circe, but Nico's luck was as bad as Percy's, so he wasn't counting on anything. He supposed the pirates could have killed each other off by now, and that those surviving left, but that was assuming this _was_ Circe's island.

Nico crawled onto the sand and wobbled as he stood up. He was surprised he was able to walk, but between recovering from his death trance, recovering from shadow-traveling himself, two others, and the Athena Parthenos, recovering from the war, and training for this quest, it wasn't too surprising that he was fit.

He approached the trees slowly, just in case he wasn't as stable as he thought he was. Nico felt fine, and saw nothing unusual, but kept the magic multivitamin in the hand not holding his sword. In the Sea of Monsters, normality was something to beware.

He looked back at the fringe of the palm trees. In the distance, he could see a dock. Nico half-smiled, half-frowned. It seemed this was Circe's island after all. The good news: he was at his target. The bad news: he was at his target.

The reason he was on this solo quest was simple: Reyna and Hylla wanted some of their old stuff back. They needed someone strong enough to succeed, but expendable. Nico was _so_ honored that they thought of him first.

He began to make out (with you- never mind) the shape of buildings through the jungle. He advanced slowly- after all, he was only alive because he thought everything was a trap. And he didn't steal that. He had thought like that before he saw the movie, and afterwards, he just happened to agree.

The trees cleared before the buildings, leaving a short expanse of grass. Nico was disturbed to see the buildings were in good shape, as if they were being maintained.

As he reached for the door, it swung open. Standing in the doorframe was a tall, imposing woman. Her Greek dress was black, and dancing figures flickered on the surface.

Her hair was the exact same black as Percy's, and after that thought, Nico's mind blanked. He had a vague thought he was about to gasp, say something stupid, or drool (he'd been in this sort of situation before), so he put his hand to his mouth. He got lucky in two ways: it wasn't the hand holding the sword, and it forced the vitamin into his mouth. He chewed and swallowed.

That was his last controlled action.

**This may turn out to be very random with no real plot. If you get bored, just read the first and last few chapters.**

**He'll soon end up in my English class. This means… I need OC's! This is a sophomore class, so age is pretty much decided. It's an Honors class, so no one's a total idiot. Besides that, send me as much information as you want if you'd like your OC in the story. I'll take a few Mary-Sues.**

**Please review! How am I doing with Nico's character? My writing style? Anything you'd really like to see? All you have to do is write a few words!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi! Thanks for the reviews. I'll try to update twice a week.**

**There will definitely be House of Hades spoilers in this story. Only mild ones in this chapter, but I'm going to stop holding back and just let them come out where they're needed.**

**I know these chapters are short, but they should get progressively longer.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of Rick Riordan's works. I don't own McDonald's, either, although Nico wishes he did.**

Eventually, Nico became aware he was awake. Which implied he had been asleep. Where was he? That wasn't a good question for a demigod to have.

He cracked open one eye. It was light out. He became aware of a smell- not a bad one, but too different for comfort. Whatever it was, he was surrounded by it. It was even underneath him. He could feel it, curly, pliable.

He didn't sense anyone around, so he opened both eyes fully. What he saw put him in a rage. He was imprisoned! In a _cage_!

Jumping up to spring at the bars, Nico became aware of something else that was different- _himself_. His steps weren't as big as they should be. His eyes were too close to the ground. Was he on four legs?

His solitary confusion was interrupted. "Why aren't you a guinea pig?"

There were a lot of answers he could give to that- or so he thought. When he opened his mouth, all that came out was _squeak_!

"Ah, yes, I forgot how much I love seeing males in this confused state- that is, more confused than you normally are," the woman smirked. "But usually it's because they're guinea pigs! You should be a guinea pig! I did everything right, I know it! So why are you a Russian dwarf hamster?"

Nico knew this must be Circe. He tried to remember what had happened before he blacked out. She'd led him through the amazing spa, gave him what looked like a McDonald's chocolate shake (except she'd claimed it was healthy- how weird was that?), and that was it. Before that… he'd eaten the vitamin! Ha. Guess it had some power left in it after all.

He didn't tell her. Well, technically, he couldn't. But if he had a choice, he wouldn't. So he assessed the situation. He was a hamster?

More importantly, he was apparently Russian now. That was an insult. He had nothing against the country or her people, but he was Italian and proud of it.

And a _dwarf_ hamster? He'd been so excited to be almost taller than Percy. He wasn't supposed to be short. No respectable zombie-summoning warrior hero was short.

The hamster part hadn't really sunk in yet. He liked animals, even if they didn't like him. How bad could this be? Oh, yeah, he had no idea what was going to happen to him, he was in hostile territory, he was captured, and he was defenseless. This could be bad.

The witch seemed to be thinking along similar lines. "So, what am I going to do with you?" She tapped her manicured fingernails on his cage. "Usually, I would send you to a nice kindergarten class. But you messed up my spell. I don't know how, but I'm blaming you. This calls for some… _punishment_."

She took a deep breath, and grinned. Her teeth were pointy. "Instead of sending you to a kindergarten class… I'm going to send you to a _high school_ class."

Oh no. This was bad. This was very bad. But he wouldn't be a student… he'd just be sitting in a cage. Wait, that wasn't good either.

"I never knew I was so evil," Circe mused with a rather disturbed look. "So I'll tell you how to break the spell." Seriously? She was starting to scare him, but if he could break the spell…

"It's simple. You just have to be kissed by your true love!"

But… hamster… Percy… random class… He would be a hamster forever.

Circe seemed to think everything was now perfect, however. She beamed at him, then flicked something green and sparkly on him. He felt like he was spinning, and he couldn't see. When his vision cleared, the sensation had passed. He found himself in- yay- another cage.

There were other hamsters in the cage with him. They sniffed him in a friendly way. Usually, animals felt the death radiating from him and his sword and stayed away. Being a hamster might have an up-side after all…

Focusing his attentions outside the cage, Nico immediately identified his new location as a pet store. Wasn't he supposed to go to a high school?

Immediately as he thought it, a lady walked straight up to the hamster cage. "Hey, little guys," she said, smiling. None of the other hamsters reacted. Nico did his best to blend in with them, but she seemed to have her eye on him. _I'm just average… less than average… you don't want me…_

Wow, Nico had never thought he would think that hopefully. It didn't seem to work. "Yes, you'll be the perfect class pet!"

Five minutes later, he was taken out of the cage. Two minutes after that, he was in a car. Thirteen minutes after _that_, they arrived at a school and the random lady took him to a classroom, put him in a cage with some fresh food, and left.

Well, _this_ would be fun.

**How do you like this? Can I improve my writing style? Also, last chance for OC's if anyone wants to give me any! I'd like as much detail as possible, please. To sum it all up... Please review!**


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